Losing the Jezebel Brand
Last week I posted an article I thought would be a stand-alone. It was a rather academic piece on Jezebel – what she/it is and isn’t, and how it is wrongly used to subjugate and control women. I packed as much as I could into it in the vain hope that I’d never have to write on it again (read that here, if you haven’t already).
But I already knew that I had to, didn’t I? You see I’ve learned something about you readers: you like the academic stuff, but you love the personal stuff. I’ve also learned something about me: I write what interests me, but any writer worth their salt draws from the deeper parts of themselves. For a long time I didn’t feel as if I owned my story. But I freaking do. So here I am, with my big girl pants on, telling you what its been like for me to gain and lose the Jezebel brand.
I’m a big sister. I’m a mum. I’m a loyal friend. So perhaps it would come as no surprise that I’m the sort of person who can take a fair bit on the chin, feel the hurt, shrug it off and then get on with life. But when people around me are in pain or somehow negatively affected by something, then ohhhh mother. It takes all my strength to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” and stay out of it sometimes.
It wasn’t whether or not I had been called a Jezebel that motivated me. It was other women’s stories – other women’s pain. It was other women trying to find their way in Christianity, or just in life, wearing this shame that comes with the inference that you are under the influence of an evil spirit; that you are responsible for the lack of spiritual progress in your church, for division, for ill health, for bad things that have happened in relationships or families. It takes a bit to recover from that and find your personality and voice again. I think, I hope, I’ve learned some things along the way. They say sharing is caring so here we are.
First a bit about “Jezebel” and me.
I have to say up front that it was never said to my face. No one ever said to me “you are a Jezebel. It was said to my husband though. It was said to my face in other words. “You shouldn’t be so strong. You need to surrender your opinion. You’re becoming too much. Surrender. Back down. Don’t ask questions. Your intellect is a problem to God. If you ever hope to get married, then you need to learn not to be such a handful.” Or the big one, “I’m not saying you are a Jezebel, but you ought to be careful not to act under the influence.”
I knew what that meant, because I’d heard or been part of conversations where other women had been talked about in the same terms. They were called Jezebels. Thus, by characterisation, I was at risk of being one of them. I knew when I was out of favour, and I knew when I was in. I knew, by virtue of the gossip I’d been part of, that certain things would be said about me. The J word, if not pronounced explicitly, would be present in every insinuation.
But you see, I wasn’t a Jezebel, and I knew it. If Jezebel was associated with sexual immorality, then how could I, a virgin on her wedding day and a faithful wife, be one? Even if I wasn’t a virgin on my wedding day, it still would have been a long, long way from Baal, the fertility cults of Canaan which Jezebel partook in and their alleged temple orgies. Gosh! If Jezebel was associated with idolatry, how could I, a monotheistic Christian constantly on guard against putting other things before God, be idolatrous? If Jezebel was associated with unsubmissiveness, then how could I, the woman who wanted to vow to “love honour and obey” on her wedding day (but took the vow out because my husband wasn’t comfortable with it) be one of them? But as comfortable as I was in my knowledge of this, I was not immune to the feelings that come with the brand.
You start to ask God why He made you smart/inquisitive/bubbly/passionate, if that made you a problem. You feel ashamed of these aspects of your personality, so you try to mute it.
You start to feel guilty when male attention comes your way, and feel ashamed of your sexuality or your looks (both of which are God-given parts of who you are).
You begin to hate your desire to use your talents (for God, or for fun or vocation in my case), because you know this could come across as attention seeking and that would add fuel to the fire.
You begin to second guess your discernment. If something feels or looks wrong, you silence your misgivings – partially because you doubt yourself, partially because you know that if you raised it you’d be “being a handful” or “dishonouring leadership.” I.e. You’d be acting under the influence of Jezebel.
All in all, this Jezebel brand can have the effect of eroding a persons confidence and discernment, muting their talent, intellect and sexuality, causing their self-esteem to plummet and their personal appearance to be the cause of great shame. Gosh, you should try dodging the ‘seductive/attention seeking/Jezebel’ brand while possessing boobs and being expected to dance at every worship service. Good golly. If that isn’t a double bind!
Can you see why I feel so strongly that this label is harmful, and that bad theology is dangerous? Too many women have had it worse than me. Too many women still struggle to find their voices, or to fully express their strength, femininity, talent, intelligence or charisma. Too many women are not living the lives God intended for them – all because of bad theology that is too often used against them.
I don’t care whether you are egalitarian or complementarian. I don’t care whether you believe women should have the right to preach/pastor or not. This type of inequality does not belong in the church. Not when all of us are fearfully and wonderfully made, and marvellous are the works of the one who made us. (Psalm 139:14)
Shaking off the big J brand
Every healing journey begins with the realisation that you have something to heal from. We see the world through rose coloured glasses sometimes, because its easier to smile and say, “Oh no thats totally fine,” than to look at your wound and say “Yeah that hurt.” Because that statement has another statement attached to it. “That hurt, and you hurt me.” It might be a person, it might be a system. Either way, the realisation that you have something to heal from often comes with the realisation that something else ain’t right. Once that bubble has popped, it’s popped. You can’t unpop it. The only thing you can do is sit with that realisation, and then eventually figure out what you will do with it.
Read lots. I know, I am a nerd. This is how I handle life. But reading *helped* me. I read the Bible. I read commentaries on the Bible. I took notes about what I agreed with and what I didn’t agree with and why. I talked with people wiser than me and let my inner nerd loose like a kid in a lolly shop. I discovered a lot of theological clashes that had made their way into my belief system. But I also discovered that the colloquial term “Jezebel” that is used to control and subjugate women bears little resemblance to the Biblical character and the warnings that accompany her.
Find people who will tell you the truth. I’ve always valued people who tune me, who don’t blindly agree. When someone confronts bad ideas and tunes you on them, that’s a valuable thing. When those same people tell you “Nope! That’s wrong. You aren’t this thing you’ve been called. Don’t accept that,” then you’ve got to listen. It was these people who helped me regain my faith in God and in myself, and who reminded me again and again that it is okay to be strong, and to be a woman of substance.
Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and marvellous are your creators works. If I am a work of art, then how awful of me to hate myself and whine to my creator about what a rubbish job He did. If I was to honour God, then I needed to honour what He made me: smart, bubbly, loving, passionate, generous, talkative, curious, discerning, musical, a nonconformist who can’t stand injustice and needs to uncover bad theology, a compassionate person who can’t look upon the plight of wounded people and feel nothing. None of these things are bad. All of these things are God-given, and thus He would not look upon them or me with shame.
Take back your story. Take back your voice. You don’t have to do this in spite. You don’t have to do it on anyone else’s timeline. You can be kind, strong, restrained and do things in your time and on your terms. Eventually I had to stop being ashamed of my story. I haven’t told it yet. I may only ever tell snippets (because there are too many other people whose stories intersect with mine, and even though some of these people have hurt me, they are still people).
Tangent! But! I was saying – It is my story though. No one else owns it. I decide what to do with it. For now, I’m sitting comfortable in my ownership, and only sharing what I think is relevant and helpful to other people. But there is a whole lot of freedom that comes with knowing the simple fact that no one else owns your story, and no one else gets to tell you what to do with your voice.
I’ll be the first to admit, it has taken/is taking me a while to take back my voice. I’ve been a writer since I was a kid. I’ve ghostwritten books. I’ve authored novels. But to write non-fiction, and to examine doctrine was what I always wanted to do. It took me until last year to do it. I was scared people in my past would think it was a veiled dig at them, even if it had nothing to do with them. I grew the courage to blog about things that fascinated me, but didn’t have the courage to share it. I was still scared of other peoples judgements of me. But there came a tipping point where I had to think “Okay, how long am I going to let other people run my life? How long am I going to ignore God’s promptings and defer to the judgement of people who don’t love me like He does?”
Things went boom on this blog. Every time I think about quitting, I get another thank you email from someone it has helped. So I owe it to myself and others to keep on. I never write something out of spite. I never write when I am hot headed. But I owe myself, others, and my creator, better honour than to let fear dictate my limits.
I am a woman. I am loved by God. I am worthy of equality. The patriarchal systems within some churches may not agree. Some men may not agree. But I do not attend those churches and I am not married to those men. This is my space, and I intend to fully inhabit it.
Look in the mirror and try to see what God does. If you can do it, look at your kids and ask “What do I want for them?” I looked at my daughter, and I asked it about her. My husband and I want the same things for her. We want her to be free to be herself in the fullest possible way. She’s only one, but she’s smart, loving, wacky, affectionate, musical, inquisitive and just so beautiful. We will teach her to own these things and never to listen to someone who tells her they aren’t pure and wonderful. If you can’t see yourself the way God sees you, if you can’t see His heart for you when you look in the mirror, then look at your kids and ask yourself “how much more does my creator love me?”
I asked that question. I couldn’t argue with the response. So this fierce and worthy woman is shaking off the shame of a brand that once tried to attach itself to me. It is not mine. I won’t have it. You can say what you like about me. That simply doesn’t make it true.
Before I sign off – a shout out to my branded sisters, wherever you might read this from: You owe it to yourself, your partner, your kids and your creator to rise up above the voices that tried to control and minimise you. What you are is beautiful. No one else gets to dictate how much of your true self you can let shine through. Don’t become less just because someone doesn’t think you have the right to shine. You do.
You do. And I do.
Go in peace, girlfriend
Kit K.
Jezebel: Facts, Faults and Fiction
In this video (Click here, click here, click here) I cover off on the Biblical characteristics of Jezebel. If you haven’t watched that, then get on it (just doing my bit to cut down your reading time. You’re welcome). Now we need to talk about the modern use of the term. Across Christendom, there is a wide spectrum of approaches to the Jezebel issue. Some choose to ignore it, and keep their focus on the good guy (i.e. Jesus). For others, Jezebel is a major focus and foe. There is a combination of good and bad doctrine about this, and some of it is downright harmful.
They say the most dangerous type of a lie is the one with a bit of truth mixed in. Yes, Jezebel was a strong woman. Yes, she was a bad woman. But that does not mean that strong women in churches are bad women. Oh Heck no! Its time to put this back in context and stop using the term “Jezebel” as an excuse for misogyny.
Interestingly, when you read about the Jezebel spirit, you’ll read over and over again from different preachers and scholars that “spirits don’t have genders,” but in my experience I’ve noticed that it’s quite rare for men to be branded this, while women have this label cast on them much more easily.
It can be used to describe a person who needs to be in control, or a person who is manipulative. But concerningly, the term “Jezebel” can also be used to describe women who have strong opinions, obvious talent, or leadership capabilities. It has even been used to describe women who volunteer excessively. But that, my friends, is unbiblical and no individual characteristic should lead a person to be labelled as a carrying a Jezebel spirit, when the Biblical picture of Jezebel was a lot more complex.
I’ve taken the liberty of going on a quick tour of the internet to find the top things listed as “characteristics of Jezebel.” You’re about to see where truth, myth and superstition interact and leave us with a bit of a problem.
Up first, are the things we can see in scripture. The Jezebel Spirit is said to be:
Controlling, manipulative, domineering and pushy.
Vengeful and prone to oneupmanship
Refusing to admit guilt or wrongdoing
Clairvoyant (or a false prophet)
Religious
Prone to use false accusations
Tending to isolation as a control tool, both publicly and privately
Mocking
Blameshifting
Cursing those that oppose them or engaging in witchcraft
We do see these things in the Bible. These, to me, would be a valid explanation of the Jezebel spirit.
Next up comes the ones that are a bit of a stretch, but may be connected to the pop-psychology understanding of control dynamics. They aren’t seen clearly in scripture, but may have been present in the character of Jezebel – Possibly. Maybe. If we use our imaginations. In this imagining of the Jezebel spirit, it is said to:
Take credit for everything good and never show gratitude.
Use people to accomplish its agenda.
Ignore people in order to establish fear and control
Be heavily critical of people
Sequester or withhold information and use it for manipulation and power
Command attention and dislike like it when others are the centre of attention
Sow seeds of discord
Be insubordinate, independent and disliking of authority
Frequently attempt to make it look like other people are the problem (accusing others of being the Jezebel)
Insinuate disapproval to those under their control, thus inciting fear
Be a know it all
Be ambitious
Target the leadership, head or prophet. (The latter is clear in scripture, so the former is imaginable)
Play the victim.
Use false humility and have a sense of entitlement.
Whine until they get their way
I do have to say that there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious, if it doesn’t involve victimising others. I also have to point out that it wasn’t Jezebel who was prone to whining. It was Ahab. The rest sounds a little like the description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in my opinion. It’s a valid thing, it’s just not the Jezebel Spirit.
Next up are things you can file under bizarre, with no real Biblical basis. The Jezebel spirit has been said to;
Talk in circles or in a confused manner
Volunteer for anything (supposedly a control measure)
Lie
Talk incessantly
Spiritualize everything, often to avoid taking responsibility for their actions
Give gifts to gain control
Be insecure
Seek to infiltrate undermine
Hate prayer and spiritual warfare
I can see how, to those who major on spiritual warfare, some of these things would make sense (I’ll talk about spiritual warfare another day). But my caution here is that you can’t just lump undesirable characteristics together and call it a demon. Nor can you decide that being ambitious or talkative is a fault, that volunteering a lot is bad (???) or that being unclear in communication is a demonic issue.
Misunderstanding the Jezebel spirit (if indeed it can be called a spirit, when it is a complex cluster of characteristics that may be occurring for a number of reasons) and using it as a label can cause extraordinary harm. Imagine a good hearted person offering to volunteer at a church and not getting any good reason why they are being kept from giving their time and talents to a good cause? Imagine what this would do to their self esteem? Now imagine being told someone is carrying a Jezebel spirit. How might that affect your relationship with them? Would you trust them to the same degree? Or distance them and treat them with distrust? It is possible for a good person to be ostracised for no good reason other than being a strong, smart woman who wants to help her local church.
Let’s not do that. Let’s not damage people and label them unfairly.
But believe it or not, that isn’t the most harmful part of the list.
I have read articles saying that a Jezebel spirit:
Will operate in a person with charisma, intelligence, or wit
Will have problems with fear and rejection, and need control because of it
We need to stop and take heed here. I understand that people who have a history of trauma may have a fear of being out of control. So let’s not re-traumatise them by socially rejecting them through labelling and restriction of duties inside churches. Let’s love them. Love is what heals rejection. Just because they need some element of control in order to cope with trauma doesn’t mean they are a Jezebel. That is harmful. That is doing more harm where God intended the church to be a place where people could heal.
Let’s also scrutinise our tendency to use this label. Why is it needed? Is it used by insecure leadership to stop talented, smart people from having input into church life, or from reaching their potential? Or is it used as some supposedly Biblically-sanctioned misogyny? Is it used to re-traumatise or control women and victims of trauma? Is it used to distract from one’s own bad behaviour or lack of skill?
Hey people – labels kill. They kill self-esteem. They kill social connectedness. They may even drive people into sad states of mental illness.
I understand that there are those who will read/watch this and say “but the Jezebel spirit is a real thing.” And yes, it is. I have no arguments against that. It is seen in the Bible, rates a mention in both Old and New Testaments, and represents a worthy caution. But it is a cluster of characteristics that we need to watch for. We can’t just spot one thing and then throw the baby out with the bathwater.
There are two points I want to raise on this: The first is that the tale of Jezebel was not to teach us that strong women are bad women. It was to teach us what happens when we passively tolerate evil. Many a Christian writer has aptly point out that Ahab was the problem. If he had of stood in his place, she wouldn’t have gone down in history like she did.
The second point is this: the antedote to Jezebel is when we stand for what is right – when we do what Ahab didn’t. Yes, we might cop it a bit. But that’s okay. If our God is for us, who can be against us? I’ve seen Jezebel conflated with rejection and trauma. This is dangerous, because these people are traumatised, not demonised. Let’s meet them with love not isolation.
For all you women out there who have been called a Jezebel – I’ve got a message for you: Be strong. Be smart. Be talented. Be generous. Be you. And if you have a fear of rejection, or if you need to be in control – then find a good therapist and heal. Not because you are a problem, but because you deserve a healthy, happy life. Some of you got branded this when you shouldn’t have. I hope you find your voice and your self-worth again. I think God would want you to as well
BIBLIOGRAPHY
https://truthinreality.com/2013/09/24/30-consistent-traits-of-the-jezebel-spirit/
https://www.biblewaymag.com/what-are-the-characteristics-of-the-jezebel-spirit/
https://aandbcounseling.com/12-warning-signs-person-influence-jezebel-spirit/
https://www.bible-knowledge.com/how-jezebel-spirit-will-operate/
https://www.thattheworldmayknow.com/fertility-cults-of-canaan