The One with the Investigation into my Dad’s Church and its Involvement in Politics
Hey all, I’m back. Do you know how hard it has been to keep my fingers off the keys this year? A long hiatus over summer lead directly into a four month migraine, which lead directly into the biggest metaphorical headache of my life as I finally agreed to speak up on what many of you have probably guessed if you’ve been readers of this blog or followers of the podcast for a while now — I’ve got a bit of a wild story and the setting for this bonkers, stranger-than-fiction, what-the-actual-heck story is none other than my fathers church and the network it sits in.
I’m not going to offer extra commentary in media. So done with that. But I will say it takes a lot to come to the point where you actually speak up. I’ve been saying no to media for years , having left Dad’s church almost seven years ago (and “left” isn’t quite the right descriptive word. But listeners, ya’ll know the nuance there).
The reason I’ve said no is because, in my jewellery box, on a piece of scrap paper was a promise made to myself. I wouldn’t talk unless I was in the right mental, emotional and physical space to do so safely (Yes, psychological safety is a thing, yo!). I needed to come from a place of strength because I wasn’t going to do tabloid or short form. It needed to be thorough which meant I’d have to sit with traumas long sent to the recesses of my mind, and face the traumas of other people who existed in my orbit while I was still on the inside. That meant holding the horrendous double-edged sword of vicarious guilt and vicarious trauma. It meant facing my complicitness while also acknowledging my profound helplessness. As someone who self-identifies as a grounded, badass smart-cookie with a huge touch of what I call Mother HEnergy (geddit?), that was going to be a tough cop. Vulnerability? Ew.
Also on the scrap-paper promise was this: It needed to be an investigative journalist with a good reputation who was willing to put in the miles to understand the complex intersectionality of the ISAAC network, dominionism, the NAR and neo-charismatic evangelicalism which embraces “extra-Biblical revelation” and so easily gives rise to cults of personality and high control situations…or just, you know, cults. And it had to be for a reason other than settling a family score. I’m not interested in that. I’ve chosen my path. My family and I cannot walk together now, or perhaps ever, despite my complex but present love for them. That is a wound that always smarts but one I live with because I know I’ve made the right choice and I know my children and I are surrounded by love.
But the plight of other — victims past, present and future — and the issue of what dominionist or NAR churches do with power was of immense concern to me. To know that the leopard had not changed it’s spots and was now in reach of power that had the potential to inflict damage on a wider range of people - that caused a special kind of nausea that I couldn’t shake. I’m all for religious freedom. But that should never ever be the freedom to abuse, nor should it be freedom from scrutiny, nor should it be ignorance as to what certain practices such as conversion practices or denial of equality or reproductive rights does to the people affected by these issues.
Nick McKenzie turned up on the scene after my four month migraine began. I didn’t know who he was (best in the business in Australia it turns out!) so it took him a while to convince me that the story was safe in his hands, and my agreement rested on the condition that it centred other victims, too. He and the team from The Age and 60 Minutes Australia did a great job, though there is no way it could capture the nature of the beast entirely.
I’m acutely aware of the other stories that couldn’t be told this time. But my heart holds your stories still. I’ve always seen myself as your storykeeper. But that burden is lighter now that Nick and the team have legitimised the gnawing suspicions that what so many of us had been through was way beyond the scope of normal Christian life.
In a strange way, I finally feel released from the cage of silence I’ve lived in since my abuses within church-related settings began at the tender age of 11. I am aware of the gaslighting that goes on when people interested in keeping their grip on privilege and power try madly to patch the cracks in the dam. But I’m ignoring that. The cracks in the dam are there now. Finally, the hidden things can come to the light. Finally, we can all walk free whether we choose to speak up or not.
This was never about me — or even about my sister, whose rise into politics was the lightening rod that sent statewide media scurrying towards long-held suspicions about Dads church. It was about other survivors - others who know they can speak now, that they aren’t alone now, and that what happened to them wasn’t okay.
It is done now. And, for those playing here and overseas - here are the links. Read them. Your girl is tired!
The 60 Minutes Episode - Praying For Power: Caring church or crazy cult
The Age #1 - Liberal Party Candidate Agent for Ultra-Conservative Church, Family Says
The Age #2 - Speaking in Tongues, Exorcisms and Control: Life in City Builders
The Age #3 - Inside City Builders, the Pentecostal Sect with Lofty Political Goals
The Age #4 - Ultra-Conservative Candidate won’t sit in the party room if elected (this is still unfolding as new leadership takes the helm. So she might).
The Age #5 - Shame on you: Liberal Party figure caught using fake 007 pics and fake identity for dirty tricks
Other Coverage (Who’d have thunk this little blog could be so juicy! But you’re welcome…I guess)
The ABC #1 - Victorian Liberal Party Branch Stacking Claims as Pentecostal Church Infiltrates branches
The ABC #2 - Religious Roadmap to Liberal Party Control Revealed as Internal Ructions Over Religious Groups Increase. (Side note: It was immediately clear upon reading it that City Builders did not author the document in question. But the article refers to them so the link is here.)
The ABC #3 - Sister of Controversial Victorian Liberal Party Candidate Opens Up About Life in City Builders Church
Rationale Mag - Raised in her fathers church
And for those who are thinking “What Even is Dominionism, the NAR or the Neo-Charismatic Movement), I got you covered. This section is for the nerds. My people.
Is there a Biblical Basis for Dominionism?
Why I’m Not a Dominionist Anymore
Dominionism in the era of Trump and ScoMo
What is Gaslighting in Cults and Toxic Groups?
What do we do when something upsets our status quo? When it confronts our deepest held ideals, threatens to dethrone our idols, and tarnish our heroes? What do we do when someone comes forward and says “I was a victim of abuse. This person [who you all held in such high regard] took something from me, damaged me profoundly.” And out pours their awful story.
In my time in evangelicalism, I’ve observed the lengths people will go to in order to protect the way they see the world. Sadly, sometimes, even often times, this does not deal kindly with those who deserve our utmost compassion and care, and whose deep craving to be heard and believed is too often met with scorn and cover-ups.
Long before the abuse victim finds the courage to speak up (if they find it at all), there exists a psychological phenomenon that has a unique ability to keep them silent and make them doubt their own story. This can be true for cults and toxic groups. It can also be very true for domestic violence situations – very often, in fact.
Guys. We need to talk about gaslighting.
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s belief. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim [1].”
The term has its origins in a pretty messed up movie called “Gaslight” from the 1940’s. In it, an overbearing, abusive husband paints his wife as the crazy one, and makes her believe she is seeing and hearing things, by messing with the gaslights and denying it. That is the super quick version, but the full movie was pretty twisted by 1940’s standards. In recent years, the term has been used in clinical and research literature quite extensively.
It’s just a shame more people don’t know what it looks like, because this little trick is one that can be used by abusive individuals or toxic/unhealthy groups to hold people captive, and make them believe they are crazy or incompetent.
It’s horrible. Insidious. It can heap more damage on people who are nothing like the narrative set up around them, and put the monster inside their own head as the words of the abuser continue to do damage even when they are not around. Let me show you how it can look, but before I do – a hefty trigger warning! The Lifeline phone number will be at the end of this post. Call it if you need it.
Now. Gaslighting is often a term used in domestic violence relationships. But I think it’s fair to say that in cults or toxic groups, it is often individuals in positions of power who abuse other individuals. So the gaslighting example I’m about to give you could be one between guru/pastor/leader and follower:
A victim, lets call her Karen, attempts to confront her abuser over something he said that she didn’t believe to be true. She’s tried before one on one, but he yells at her until she stops and just listens. No one is there to witness it. So this time she asks him about it in front of someone. “I just wanted to clarify something you said to me on Tuesday,” she says, fearful.
“I didn’t speak to you on Tuesday,” he responds, glibly.
“Yes you did. I was at your office. I arrived at five past ten. I texted you because I was going to be late,” Karen says. She starts to feel anxious.
“No you didn’t,” he says. “I wasn’t there Tuesday.”
She knows he was. She goes to check her phone/diary. “See, here’s my appointment. I was there. SO were you.”
He grabs his phone and opens up their text message history, fumbling for a second. “Here. No text message. You weren’t there Tuesday. Your memory is playing tricks on you.”
She panics, but presses on with rising anxiety. “Anyway! We had a discussion where you said (insert damaging statement here).”
He leans across the table, face exuding empathy and care, “Karen, that conversation never happened. You imagined it. Your mind is not reliable.” He then turns to the person sitting next to them. “She clearly needs our support. She’s just not stable.” Karen feels shame, embarrassment and confusion. She is still hurt by the original thing he said, the one she tried to confront him over, but now her mental stability has been called into question in front of a witness, perhaps even a friend who now looks down on her.
The thing is, she was there on Tuesday. She did send the text message. He just deleted it so the evidence was gone, and denied the conversation that would have outed him as having damaged her psychologically. Ask any abuser if they are an abuser. The vast majority will say no. They’ll say no up until a criminal conviction and then sometimes after that. Jails are full of people still claiming innocence. That’s why its important to know gaslighting when you see it – so you know you aren’t the guilty one.
Karen’s guru/pastor/leader may have set himself up as an authority figure or a person with power and control over her life. To anyone else, including the person beside him in the example above, he may seem eloquent, caring, and utterly incapable of abuse.
Karen isn’t crazy. The first time gaslighting happened to her, she may not even have noticed it or second guessed her own mind. But as the behaviour progresses, she may doubt herself more and more. She may experience abuse, be it psychological or otherwise, and yet he may erase evidence and pretend it never happened only to point again to her ‘faulty brain’ and ask her why she is imagining such awful things.
Its insidious. It can be big moments like this, or like in the movie – causing the lights to dim and then denying that they have dimmed – or it can be subtle.
– An “I forgive you” from the abuser when the victim has done nothing wrong.
– An “I love you” from someone who causes you physical harm. If you want to know what love looks like, check out 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13. It’s a pretty good checklist on what love is and isn’t.
In an article on Psychology Today, Robyn Stern (PhD) suggests there are three stages to gaslighting. The first is “disbelief.”
“When the first sign of gaslighting occurs,” writes Stern. “You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner, or your boss, friend, family member, that seem odd to you.”
The second is defense, where you try to defend yourself against the gaslighting type of manipulation. I wasn’t going to lift a big quote from Sterns article, but gee, its good. She explains it this way:
“Think about it—you tell your boss, for example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments. You ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed….. well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn’t answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leave it at that, or redirect the conversation, you start defending yourself, telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed, or, that the stress doesn’t interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation…. going over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.”
The third stage cited by Stern is depression:
“By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends—in fact, you don’t talk to people about your relationship very much—none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling—they treat you like you really do have a problem.”
Side note: she is the author of a book called “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life.” If you need it, get it.
What are the warning signs?
I’m no psychologist. I’m no expert on gaslighting even though I’ve experienced it. But I can tell you that, no matter how long you’ve faced it for, you can get back to a place where you can spot it and deal with it. It might take therapy. It might take time. But it can be done.
I think we could probably say that the first warning sign is that those three stages listed above rang some bells with you. Gaslighting isn’t always obvious. In fact, it uses subtlety and confusion as weapons. It isn’t always “on purpose” as the abuser may operate this way almost habitually. It is always damaging, I would argue. But again, I’m not an expert.
Who is? Dr. Stephanie Sarkis PhD. She posted these 11 warning signs in an article on Psychology Today. Read it for further detail. Its good. But here’s the scoop. (Thanks Psych Today/Dr Sarkis):
They tell blatant lies
They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof
They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition
They wear you down over time
Their actions do not match their words
They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you
They know confusion weakens people
They project [ie. accuse you of the thing they are guilty of]
They try to align people against you
They tell you or others that you are crazy
They tell you everyone else is a liar
Seriously, if you’ve got the time to do it, go read the article. The examples might help you understand what is happening to you or someone close to you. I’m not going to try and write some pithy, cutesy article with all the answers here. But I am going to tell you this: you can recover. I’m a huge advocate of therapy here. It might start by calling a domestic violence service. They can help you through it and point you to where you can get some good counselling and reclaim that beautiful brain of yours.
I have experienced this phenomenon. I remember, at the height of my gaslighting (in one scenario), I believed I was dumb, defective and utterly hopeless. I can’t tell you how dark that time was. Imagine my utter horror when I was chosen in a human resources class to do an IQ test (we were studying psychometrics). My result came back, well, okay I’ll say it – high.
So high I had to sit back and think “Well. I’m not dumb then, am I? If I’m not dumb, then maybe there are some other things I am being lied to about here.” That was my trigger for a journey out. It has taken time, but I’ve reclaimed my brain. It’s a good one. I like it.
I’m telling you that because encouragement helps. But like I said, I’m not going to offer you five steps out of the situation you may be in. I’d strongly suggest:
– Contacting a domestic violence service. Google one in your local area (Click here if you need to clear your browser history afterwards)
– Contacting the Cult Information and Family Support Service (or a cult support service in your local area if you have one). www.cifs.org.au
– Access counselling services through your local GP
– Calling the police if your immediate safety is at risk
– Calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you are feeling depressed and at risk.
Gaslighting is wrong. It is abusive. It might feel too hard to overcome. I get that. But you can do it. Just don’t feel like you have to do it alone. There is so much help out there. Don’t quit. Please access help. Life can be beautiful again.